Pretty pictures of our flowers :o)

Okay, and now pictures.

Here are some pictures of the flowers I bought today.

This first one is a close up of the fuchsia I got, I hung it in the middle of the sitting area and it looks like a chandelier. Kinda cool...now hopefully I won't kill it.



And all of the flowers together.





And a close up of the petunia's

A Not So Fun Visit with the Doctor

Hi guys!! K, time to complain again. :o) But, the good news is...I am feeling better. So happier posts are to come...I think I just need to work through this.

So, I have been looking forward for a month to a visit with the OBGYN. I was going to talk to her about my weight loss, PCOS and fertility. But most importantly, I was hoping I could get some guidance regarding starting a family. I was hoping for great results from blood test and well....to be honest, a green light for starting a family.

This visit was supposed to be the catalyst to more happy doctor visits. I was hoping to see a birth intuitive after seeing this doctor and bringing her all of the lovely blood work she would take and get a plan of action together for the start of our family.

I'm so disappointed to say, this did not happen. To be honest I'm still quite a bit shocked from the appointment.

But, I should start from the beginning.

So, I have been looking forward to this appointment all week....okay fine...all month. I woke up Friday morning almost happy. Which, I have to admit is a big improvement over my melancholy mood lately. The day dragged....but finally it was time for me to go. I walked into the office and felt the slight ting of pain as I looked around and saw the typical "happy family" decorating that is typical of a OBGYN office. You would think I would be used to this and that it shouldn't hurt...but it always does.

Finally, the nurse called my name and I went back. She talked to me for a while about why I was there and I have to admit I was a bit scattered in my response. I was nervous...hopefully she could tell that. She gave me a gown and told me the doctor would be in shortly. So I got nekked put on the ill fitted gown and waited.....and waited.....and waited. Staring at some advertisement for a pre-natal vitamin and looking a dozens of happy birth pictures. Oh, and waited some more. Just when I was at the end of my rope and was going to get up, change back into my clothes and tell them thanks but no thanks....the doctor walked in.

She sat down and asked me to tell her my story. So I did, I told her I'd lost 160 pounds (hmm, that doesn't sounds safe). I told her my cycles were more regular than before, but lately have spaced to 45 days apart (then you're definitely not ovulating). I told her my husband have been through fertility treatment before, but unfortunately it wasn't successful (well, you are 37, so it's likely to be less successful now given your age). I told her I had PCOS before when I was heavier, but the symptoms seem to have gone away since I've lost weight (well, PCOS never goes away, you have it, you will gain the weight back and PCOS will make it more difficult to lose it again).

Ugg, I felt like there were a thousand daggers being thrown at me. It was honestly the worst medical experience I've ever had....and I've had some doozies in my day. To be honest, I thought going to the box doc as a healthy person, who exercises 5 times a week, is not morbidly obese, and is having regular periods would actually have a pleasant visit with the doctor. Not the case. She said she couldn't help me, that Robb and I needed More help than she could give and that we should see a reproductive endocrinologist ASAP if we had any hopes of having a child since I was 37...she kept saying my age over and over again....like I didn't know it or something. Ugggg.

I asked her if we could do some blood work, measure my hormones to see how bad things were...so we could measure the PCOS...and she said that it wouldn't do any good. She already knew my PCOS was out of control (how she knew this I have no idea) and that the blood work would show her nothing she didn't already know.

Double ugg.......

So all night last night and this morning I felt like this shell.....this empty hollow...barren shell. It's like my worst enemy told her about all of my sensitive spots and she went right for them...not missing a single one. If I listened to her...I might as well give up on everything...go back to being completely miserable...because...that is my destiny.

It can't be. I mean...okay fine. She's probably right about some of it...but a lot of it I do have control over. I can overcome it. I HAVE overcome it before.

So, after Robb spending many hours trying to undo what she has done.....I think he has finally succeeded. I'm feeling better about things. My life is not over because of one doctor's opinion...and to be honest she never looked at one ounce of physical evidence to back HER opinions. She has no previous records or blood test to look at....so what does she know. All she knows is what I told her and her own experiences and prejudices. She doesn't know that I am stronger than all of that and if I want to have a child....I will do everything I can to have a child.

I did look at adoption again today. K, so she got to me a bit. I do have to prepare myself in case she is right. It doesn't hurt to be prepared for plan B. Honestly, given all of our health issues, perhaps adoption would be the smartest way to go.

Who knows...all I know is I feel numb....completely numb after yesterday.....I don't know if I can take much more of this. I feel like I already feel raw and beat down because of all of the dad stuff going on right and...and this appointment on top of that almost pushed me over the edge. Almost.

So today, I went to the flower nursery and bought some beautiful flowers for our front yard and spent the day planting flowers and making it look absolutely beautiful. I think that's exactly what I needed. It looks so pretty....and it makes me happy. I really needed to feel happy today. It feels nice. :o)

In a funk and not sure why? *shrug*

Well, for the last week I have been in a kinda funk. Not sure why...I just haven't felt much like myself. I thought it was because I was PMS'ing...but that has come and gone. But, the feeling has remained. I went to acupuncture this and talked to laurel about it. She thinks it has to do with my dad. I think she might be right. To be honest, I think I might just need a good cry. I watched Grey's Anatomy this week and thought fore sure that would do it...but no. No ugly face cry. or at least not the release I was looking for. ;O) Laurel suggested I write about how I'm feeling and maybe that will help get me over this funk. I think that is a wonderful idea, so I apologize to anyone reading this if it's depressing. ;o)

As some of you know the year anniversary of my dad's death is coming up. In fact, a year ago next week I was getting ready for his visit to Colorado...and I didn't know it then, but it would be the last time I would talk to him. Of course there are regrets, I wish I spent more time with him, just sitting and talking him. Really spending quality time with him...and less time trying to show him everything I loved about colorado....and honestly showing off to him. Letting him know I was okay here in this beautiful state. Because honestly, I don't think he had the energy for everything I wanted him to do and I think he would have been happier just sitting on the couch with me.

mourning is so weird. I say it's like listening to a really good record (hopefully most of you will be old enough to understand this analogy). You're minding your own business listening to a recording your favorite song. The song is good and you hardly even notice the pleasing melody in the back ground when all of a sudden there's a scratch on the record and the sound becomes very unpleasant. Painful almost. You try and wish with everything you have to make to scratched part pass....but you just have to wait it out...wait for it to pass and the favorite melody to continue. That is what mourning has been to me. Most of the time I'm fine...go about my life as usually...but every once in a while....ug...I feel that pain...that sorrow...that intense unpleasantness and wish at that moment that I could be numb.....but then I realize that the pain I feel is a part of my dad that is still with me. So like it or not, this is what I have. I think it might be good that I am feeling this....it's helpig me get to the good feelings faster. I look forward to the time when I will have more pleasant memories and less painful sad ones.

So this way that I am feeling...I think it might be the well of emotions that are trying to come up. I think it might be my subconcious already starting to deal with what I am going to be feeling for the next couple of weeks. This time last year was such an emotional one for me. I was feeling such excitment and happiness last year about my dad seeing Colorado and my house for the first time...and then the very next week after leaving he went into a coma and I never got to speak to him ever again. I did go see him...but he was gone. The doctors told us that. He was there....but he wasn't....not really. The machines were there for him....for us really.

I did feel guilt....do feel guilt. That maybe his trip to Colorado was too much for his weak body and that is what killed him. Silly, I know. But I did/do feel guilty for wanting him to come see me so badly and being so excited that he came to see me. Was I selfis for wanting him here....should I have tried to talk him out of it? If I did, would he still be alive?

On the other hand, part of me wonders if he knew....somewhere in the back of his mind if he knew he wasn't going to be with us much longer. We did have a talk when he was here....and he told me he was tired. He was ready and that he felt he did everything he needed to do and was ready to leave us. I of course tried to be a cheerleader and tell him he had so much more to do and that wanting to be done was silly. Part of me wonders if he really knew that the trip would probably be too much for him, but did it anyway......just so he could do it.

I don't know....I'll never know I guess. I just hope that he would have had a stroke and heart attack even if he stayed in California and not come to see me.

I'm baaaaaaack!

Ha! Funny that this is probably the third blog post with that same tittle. I have decided that I really need to start writing in my blog more regularly. So, maybe I'll actually get some company in regular readers. ;o)

I guess the biggest news is that I signed up for the MS 3 day walk. It happens in August and is 20 miles a day on Friday and Saturday and 10 miles on Sunday. I have ALWAYS wanted to challenge myself by doing a 3 day...and well since I have Multiple Sclerosis I guess this cause would be the closest to my heart. Lately, I've been thinking more about my mortality....or the possibility of a later life of disability. So, I decided that if I want to do something...I should do it now. Because honestly, my body may not allow me to do it later in life. Carpe Diem....no? ;O)

I actually told my neuroligist about my new exercise plan and she seemed concerned which kinda bugged me. I guess, since I have been overweight all my life anytime I went to the doctor they would always encourage, almost beg me to start excercising...and now that I am doing it a lot....my doctor is encouraging me to not do it. She actually just wanted to make sure that I wasn't getting too overheated (which can exasserbate my MS). I do understand that....and try not to push myself too hard. But, it's hard becuase I love thinking of myself as an "athlete" as a former fat girl...it's nothing I have ever been able to realistically call myself. So, I am pacing myself...but will still exercise.

Yesterday my friend Karen and I went and had a lovely pedicure and then went to a yummy place for brunch. We went to this place on Pearl street in Boulder called TenTwenty It was this great spa in which you get to sit in huge overstuffed over pillowed chairs and then are given choice of drink and M&M's plain or peanut. yum! (Have I mentioned that I love M&M's) and Sex and the City was playing on the HUGE screen in front of the chairs. It was quite indungent...but of so lovely. Then we walked further down Pearl St. to a very yummy completely organic resturant called Sunflower
I had a smoked salmon benedict on fresh baked corn bread (instead of the traditional english muffin) and it was oh, so yummy!! I'm glad we walked a mile to get there...because I really needed to walk off that comfort. ;o)

After that completely indulgent morning I came home and spent the afternoon with Robb, doing chores around the house. Then, we went to a friends birthday party at the Colorado Speedway. yep, you read that right....Colorado speedway. Crazy, I know. It was actually lots of fun. We really aren't NASCAR fans or even watch races....but it was such a fun place to people watch and honestly get loud and obnoxious for an evening. There is a lot about racing I don't really understand.....because they kept doing things I didn't get. But, it was a fun evening.

We rode the motorcyle there. We were so thrilled to find out that they had very special motorcycle parking up front. So, we felt like stars getting to park right up front. Well, when we left the races it was probably 50 degrees outside...so the ride home was um.....I can't sugar coat it....freakin freezing!!! It took me at least two hours to thaw out after that ride. But, it was so much fun and so worth it!!

It was our first ride of the season, because for the last 7, yes 7 weekends it has been rainy and cold. So, too cold to ride a bike. But, yesterday it was a lovely 70 degrees and just perfect. So, we had to get the bike out!! It was wonderful and felt to great to ride. I love the feeling of freedome I get from riding. Plus, since I ride behind Robb...I get to just take in the miles of farms, mountains and see so much more than the dozens o people we pass on the road. Since I have been riding the bike...I have started to realize how much we miss every day. It's amazing how much more you see on that back of that bike. And honestly, some of it is so amazing and I feel so lucky to be allowed and able to see it. :o)

Okay, I'm late for another birthday lunch. I'll write more later. :o)

Happy Sunday!!