Wow!!! Two entries in one day....amazing!
So, today as you read previously was the Woman's Adventure in Boulder. The thing I didn't say this morning...was that eventhough it felt lonely to go all by myself...there was a big part of me that felt liberated. I do like being independent and going to things by myself...and that does feel good. I did feel proud of myself for going. :o)
Okay, so it was a really good day!! I met many amazing women and there were lots of people there by themselves...so I didn't stand out like a sore thumb, like I thought I would. There were LOTS of amazing sponsors who were all giving away pretty cool SWAG (Stuff We All Get :o) So I probably got at least $200.00 worth of goodies for my $75.oo entrance feel. Unfortunately, I didn't win any of the big prizes...but that was fine. It was still a great day.
I learned all about back country safety and while it was a pretty big overview of the subject...I still learned a lot. I also too a orienteering class, that honestly I was completely lost on. I think if I do delve more into that subject a smaller more visual class would be best for me. I got a free facial which was amazing and felt great. It was a really warm day probably low 90's so the cool water on my face felt wonderful!! The only bad thing is that all of the bees found out where the yummy smelling things were...and decided to hang out and land on all of the faces. That was not so relaxing or enjoyable...but luckily...I didn't get stung. :o)
I then decided it was time to go check out the food, Mad Greens was there giving out free salads and so I got one of those and ate it while waiting in the LONG line for crepes. The Crepe was super yummy!! I got a ham, cheddar, spinach, tomato and onion crepe. Yum! Then I went into the beer garden to have a seat and eat it. Oh, and get a beer of course. ;o) Okay, kay....I ended up sitting with some really nice ladies and getting a couple of beers. Laughed a lot...chatted a lot...learned a lot and just had a great time!
Soon, it was time for the fly fishing class. We all decided to go together. It was a great class and something that came easy for me. The teacher said I was a natural. ;o) Honestly, I wasn't even going to take the fly fishing class, but it was lots of fun and definitely something I would really like to learn more about. I came home and told Robb all about it and he said that he's always wanted to fly-fish as well...so we might look into taking some class together or maybe a trip! Fun!!
After fly-fishing it was time for Laughter Yoga....okay this was the most ridiculous thing I have ever done...but I have to say it was loads of fun and I did feel MUCH more relaxed afterwards. It was silly at the time and yes there were times during that class when I was actually saying to myself, "come on...give me a break!" But! It was fun and worth it. I'm glad I did it. Because honestly, that's what this day was all about....taking classes or doing things I probably wouldn't do or try on my own.
After the laughter yoga class I went down to the water to take the Kayaking class. Unfortunately, it was VERY unorganized and there were several women down there that said that had been waiting for over an hour to get on a kayak. Yuck, I knew this would both put me in a bad mood and waste what was left of my day...so I decided to go see what else there was to do. I went to the sports medicine tent which was about to start a pilates class. Perfect. So, I took that class and it was actually a pretty good workout and I think I might be a little sore tomorrow from. We used a cool strength band with loops for your hands...so it was a nice strength workout as well.
After that class, I went around to all of the booths to make sure I didn't miss out on any SWAG. I grabbed a few more and then they were doing the last drawing...I was hoping and praying I would win something. This was the big one....the cannondale bike and weekend trip. As I was standing there a lady my age walked up to me and asked how I liked the laughter yoga class. I told her it was a lot more fun than I thought it was going to be. She introduced herself, Laura and we both lamented about having not won anything today...and hoped we would win!! As the lady on the loud speaker was calling out names we were both chanting eachothers names....as to give them more power to find their way to the top of the bag...and win!!
But, it wasn't in the cards for today...neither one of use won anyting...but also said we were both thankful for what we did receive...it was still a lot. She then just kinda out of the blue asked if I liked to hike or snow shoe or anything like that. I said I love to hike and have always wanted to snowshoe...but never have. She said that she hikes a lot and loves to snowshoe and is always looking for people to go with. So, we exchanged phone numbers and she said we should go sometime. Yay!! So, I did meet a new person to do things with...which is exactly what I needed...wanted. :o)
So, in more ways than one...today was perfect and exactly what I wanted....needed. I love that!!
Saturday, September 26, 2009
A Woman's Adventure.....My Adventure
So today I am going to this really cool event. It's sponsored by A Women's Adventure magazine...which I actually just found.
It's kinda funny the way I found it. I've been looking for ways to get our MS support group notices in more places. So we can increase membership and get more people more help. Anyway, I have been looking at more non-profits to see what they've been doing and getting tips.
On my search...I stumbled across A women's adventure magazine and saw that they were having a HUGE event this weekend less than 10 miles from my house. How cool is that?!? So my A.D.D. kicked in and I started reading about it. It looked so cool....it was a day for just women and it featured 8 mini clinics ranging from rock climbing, yoga, kayaking, mountaineering, backcountry navigating and safety and many other. Most of these are activities that I have always wanted to try....but never had the courage to actually take class or even begin to try. So, it was the perfect event for me, non-competitive and just a little taste of the sport so I can see if I actually want to learn more. :o)
The scary part though....and probably mostly why I am writing about it...is because I'm going by myself. To be honest, I have been kinda trying to talk myself out of going because I am afraid it's going to be a very lonely day amongst a ton of people enjoying the company of others. If that makes sense at all. I'm hoping that there are others who have decided to go by themselves...and so I won't stand out as much....as being alone. I am also sad that there is no one to share it with. I asked my friends if they wanted to go...but to be honestly none of them are interested in learning all of this...or can't give up a weekend day with their families to go.
So, I am going alone. I'm thinking once I get there....and mix in with everyone else...go to a few clinics....I won't feel so lonely and will just blend in and start to enjoy learning and challenging myself. It's just the getting there...that is the hard part. :o)
But, I am going for me...because I love to be active, I love to challenge myself...and I love free cool stuff...which this event has LOTS of. Hey! Maybe I'll actually meet a few new friends...people who enjoy what I enjoy...so I will have someone to go with next year. :o)
It's kinda funny the way I found it. I've been looking for ways to get our MS support group notices in more places. So we can increase membership and get more people more help. Anyway, I have been looking at more non-profits to see what they've been doing and getting tips.
On my search...I stumbled across A women's adventure magazine and saw that they were having a HUGE event this weekend less than 10 miles from my house. How cool is that?!? So my A.D.D. kicked in and I started reading about it. It looked so cool....it was a day for just women and it featured 8 mini clinics ranging from rock climbing, yoga, kayaking, mountaineering, backcountry navigating and safety and many other. Most of these are activities that I have always wanted to try....but never had the courage to actually take class or even begin to try. So, it was the perfect event for me, non-competitive and just a little taste of the sport so I can see if I actually want to learn more. :o)
The scary part though....and probably mostly why I am writing about it...is because I'm going by myself. To be honest, I have been kinda trying to talk myself out of going because I am afraid it's going to be a very lonely day amongst a ton of people enjoying the company of others. If that makes sense at all. I'm hoping that there are others who have decided to go by themselves...and so I won't stand out as much....as being alone. I am also sad that there is no one to share it with. I asked my friends if they wanted to go...but to be honestly none of them are interested in learning all of this...or can't give up a weekend day with their families to go.
So, I am going alone. I'm thinking once I get there....and mix in with everyone else...go to a few clinics....I won't feel so lonely and will just blend in and start to enjoy learning and challenging myself. It's just the getting there...that is the hard part. :o)
But, I am going for me...because I love to be active, I love to challenge myself...and I love free cool stuff...which this event has LOTS of. Hey! Maybe I'll actually meet a few new friends...people who enjoy what I enjoy...so I will have someone to go with next year. :o)
Sunday, September 20, 2009
just feeling like I need to write :o)
So there have been so many things going on with me...and I have been awfully rude and keeping it all to myself. Which is probably contributing to this feeling I am currently having in which I feel like I am going to explode. :o)
Um, let's see...where to start. Well, for starters I finished my 3 day...and it was amazing, and wondering and all I had hoped it would be and more. Honestly, I probably learned more from myself from that single experience than I have from any other experience. I am really looking forward to doing it next year and am also looking for other ways to challenge myself physically and mentally. Yes, it was that amazing. ;o)
Speaking of. I did something I'm not sure I will regret or not. It decided to become the leader of the MS Support group I have attended since being diagnosed. This group has been near and dear to me and I have really loved being able to attend and have learned so much. One of the things I love about it is the format...and that it really doesn't feel like a support group in the traditional sense...it is really more of a self help group....we are provided with the tools to help ourselves. We meet twice a month, the first meeting always has a speaker...that speaks about something that is helpful to one with MS (and this can be anyone from a neurologist, to a music therapy counselor to a herbalist). I love that both conventional therapist as well as eastern medicine therapist are invited to speak to us. The second meeting of the month is an open forum, but usually involves educating member on medical advances and us sharing what has worked....and what has not. The biggest thing about this group is how open and positive it is. I love it.
Anyway, the group leader who has been leading the group for 10 years has stepped down...and for some crazy reason...I volunteered to lead. Yikes!! Because we are sponsored by the National MS society, I had to get a background check, go through new leader training and am in the process of learning all that the current leader did...which is a lot. I am worried that I won't be able to dedicate as much time to the group that he did...and will let the group down. The main reason he stepped down...well there are two main reasons...is because his health is not doing so great...so he needs to concentrate on that....and attendance has been dropping and he felt the group needed some new energy. Enter me! :o)
I have all kinds of ideas and things I want to try to help with attendance...but have to confess that I am a little worried as well. Okay, I am a lot worried. What if I fizzle? Lose interest...or if it gets to be too much? I am going to ask for some help. Especially with getting speakers...since I don't have much time during the day to schedule it.
Honestly, I think this will be a good learning experience for me....and it will help me to grow...so I think good things will come of it. I just need to build up the confidence and courage to stick with it....and not rude and hide under a rock...which honestly is exactly what I want to do right now.
Regardless, I have been very busy with it. It has been taking up a lot of my time with the training and extra meetings. But, I just have to keep telling myself that things will calm down and it will get more manageable. (At least that's what I'm counting on....hoping for)
Also, to make matters worse...things have been VERY stressful at work. It has been a crazy busy month. I think it has been affecting all departments. EVERYONE has been ubber stressed. I have been trying really hard to stay neutral and stay out of the interoffice politics. I had been successful until Thursday...and boy did it get me good. The worst part is that I can't seem to shake it and just let it go. It's still pissing me off!! I really hate, hate conflict. Honestly, the whole reason we got into the argument was stupid. But, she went for the jugular and decided to insult me regarding my behavior towards her during past talks. Which is ridiculous. I am always very professional towards her...and since he's 22 and wants everyone to be her friend perhaps she mistook that as me being unfriendly. Whatever. I really shouldn't care. But, honestly it just pisses me off...and have I mentioned that I really, really hate conflict? Yeah....I do. I have always been the peace maker. So, I apologized to her for making her feel bad. Honestly, that is all I can do.
Ugg...so annoying. The most annoying thing is that I can't seem to shake it. I have been rehashing the argument all weekend. Which is stupid...how much more of my energy is this taking....that I am allowing this to take. I need to just let it go. I wish I could just let it go.
Also, I work with too many women. We are all on the same cycle...which really pisses me off. So we are all so emotional at the same time. Annoying. Last week was that week for us. There were so many fights and crying and emotions....it was exhausting. I need to just stay out of it....but that is MUCH easier said than done.
The good news is my period finally started today...so I am hoping I can stop being such a basket case and just move on. Seriously, I am 38 and MUCH too old for this crap!!!
This weekend has been absolutely lovely though...and exactly what I needed. :o) Robb and I just spent the weekend together and I made a really nice breakfast both days and today we watched football and canned peaches all day. We made peach pie filling, peach jam and peach salsa (yum!!). The absolute perfect day for me. Have I mentioned that I have recently totally gotten into football? I have...I look forward to football Sunday every week. It's awesome!! I love it. :o)
I am hoping that the relaxation from this weekend will help to better prepare me for the stresses that are bound to come up next week...I hope I am better able to let them roll off my back and better roll with the punches instead of allowing them to hit me in the gut! Ouch!
Um, let's see...where to start. Well, for starters I finished my 3 day...and it was amazing, and wondering and all I had hoped it would be and more. Honestly, I probably learned more from myself from that single experience than I have from any other experience. I am really looking forward to doing it next year and am also looking for other ways to challenge myself physically and mentally. Yes, it was that amazing. ;o)
Speaking of. I did something I'm not sure I will regret or not. It decided to become the leader of the MS Support group I have attended since being diagnosed. This group has been near and dear to me and I have really loved being able to attend and have learned so much. One of the things I love about it is the format...and that it really doesn't feel like a support group in the traditional sense...it is really more of a self help group....we are provided with the tools to help ourselves. We meet twice a month, the first meeting always has a speaker...that speaks about something that is helpful to one with MS (and this can be anyone from a neurologist, to a music therapy counselor to a herbalist). I love that both conventional therapist as well as eastern medicine therapist are invited to speak to us. The second meeting of the month is an open forum, but usually involves educating member on medical advances and us sharing what has worked....and what has not. The biggest thing about this group is how open and positive it is. I love it.
Anyway, the group leader who has been leading the group for 10 years has stepped down...and for some crazy reason...I volunteered to lead. Yikes!! Because we are sponsored by the National MS society, I had to get a background check, go through new leader training and am in the process of learning all that the current leader did...which is a lot. I am worried that I won't be able to dedicate as much time to the group that he did...and will let the group down. The main reason he stepped down...well there are two main reasons...is because his health is not doing so great...so he needs to concentrate on that....and attendance has been dropping and he felt the group needed some new energy. Enter me! :o)
I have all kinds of ideas and things I want to try to help with attendance...but have to confess that I am a little worried as well. Okay, I am a lot worried. What if I fizzle? Lose interest...or if it gets to be too much? I am going to ask for some help. Especially with getting speakers...since I don't have much time during the day to schedule it.
Honestly, I think this will be a good learning experience for me....and it will help me to grow...so I think good things will come of it. I just need to build up the confidence and courage to stick with it....and not rude and hide under a rock...which honestly is exactly what I want to do right now.
Regardless, I have been very busy with it. It has been taking up a lot of my time with the training and extra meetings. But, I just have to keep telling myself that things will calm down and it will get more manageable. (At least that's what I'm counting on....hoping for)
Also, to make matters worse...things have been VERY stressful at work. It has been a crazy busy month. I think it has been affecting all departments. EVERYONE has been ubber stressed. I have been trying really hard to stay neutral and stay out of the interoffice politics. I had been successful until Thursday...and boy did it get me good. The worst part is that I can't seem to shake it and just let it go. It's still pissing me off!! I really hate, hate conflict. Honestly, the whole reason we got into the argument was stupid. But, she went for the jugular and decided to insult me regarding my behavior towards her during past talks. Which is ridiculous. I am always very professional towards her...and since he's 22 and wants everyone to be her friend perhaps she mistook that as me being unfriendly. Whatever. I really shouldn't care. But, honestly it just pisses me off...and have I mentioned that I really, really hate conflict? Yeah....I do. I have always been the peace maker. So, I apologized to her for making her feel bad. Honestly, that is all I can do.
Ugg...so annoying. The most annoying thing is that I can't seem to shake it. I have been rehashing the argument all weekend. Which is stupid...how much more of my energy is this taking....that I am allowing this to take. I need to just let it go. I wish I could just let it go.
Also, I work with too many women. We are all on the same cycle...which really pisses me off. So we are all so emotional at the same time. Annoying. Last week was that week for us. There were so many fights and crying and emotions....it was exhausting. I need to just stay out of it....but that is MUCH easier said than done.
The good news is my period finally started today...so I am hoping I can stop being such a basket case and just move on. Seriously, I am 38 and MUCH too old for this crap!!!
This weekend has been absolutely lovely though...and exactly what I needed. :o) Robb and I just spent the weekend together and I made a really nice breakfast both days and today we watched football and canned peaches all day. We made peach pie filling, peach jam and peach salsa (yum!!). The absolute perfect day for me. Have I mentioned that I have recently totally gotten into football? I have...I look forward to football Sunday every week. It's awesome!! I love it. :o)
I am hoping that the relaxation from this weekend will help to better prepare me for the stresses that are bound to come up next week...I hope I am better able to let them roll off my back and better roll with the punches instead of allowing them to hit me in the gut! Ouch!
Sunday, July 05, 2009
Happy 5th of July Everyone!!! :o)
I am feeling better. Still nowhere near 100%...but better.
Honestly, I think one of the things that really helped was to write about how truly down I was feeling. It was good to admit that depression was getting the best of me and just let go of my pride and give into to. It was almost like by admitting to that....it lost some of it's power....it's hold on me. It freed up some energy so I could concentrate on trying to pick up some of the pieces.
So, that is what I am doing now...and while I know I am still very depressed....and I able to function...which I was not before. Good news....right? :o) I think so! I still should probably go see someone...I think that would be good. I should probably set that up next week.
In other news. I have been walking like crazy training for my MS walk, and I think this has helped me tremendously with my depression as well. I am proud of myself on how well I am doing and how well my legs have done. On Friday I went on a 10 mile walk and felt fine afterwards right now I am getting ready to go on a 16 mile walk...and hopefully will feel the same afterwards. *fingers Crossed* To be perfectly honestly, I was worried about whether or not I would be able to complete the walk. Now, I actually have hope and confidence that I will be about to complete it. It's on August 21st - 23rd....so I still have plenty of time to train for it.
Oh, if you want to contribute to my MS walk (thank you so much BTW!!!) You can click on the below link and it will take you to my donation page. http://www.active.com/donate/2009wwmsw/JShimp2
A cool thing about walking...is that it is helping me to fall in love with this town/state I live in. I have recently discovered a green way that runs right through our town and it rus right along the river....at points it s breathtaking and a great place to meditation and just breathe (which I haven't been able to do in quite some time). The other cool thing is that there is art all along this trail....so not only do I have to snow peaked mountains, wild birds and beautiful river to look at during my walk...I get to appreciate the art as well. It is really quite a lovely place to spend time. I will have to take picture to show all of you...although I don't know if my photography skills will do it justice. ;o)
The other thing the walk is doing...is helping me to shed these pounds I have put on during my depression....which were contributing to my depression. I was feeling like I was never going to be able to lose weight and was going to go back to my pre-surgery weight. I have put on 30 pounds since my lowest weight :o( (I know....) but, honestly I really only want to lose 20...because my lowest weight was a little too low for me. I think I look better with a few curves. ;o) Anyway, 20 pounds...I can lose that. No problem. That's not really that much weight. It's not like the 160 I have already lost. I just need to eat right and exercise...which I am doing now.
I actually found an online calorie tracker called MyPlate that seems pretty good. The only gripe I have about it is that there is no diary...so I can't write about how I was feeling when I eat something....to better identify emotional eating.
Okay, time to go for my walk.....and then I am going to one of my bosses house for a BBQ. Fun stuff!!! :o)
Have agreat day everyone!!
Honestly, I think one of the things that really helped was to write about how truly down I was feeling. It was good to admit that depression was getting the best of me and just let go of my pride and give into to. It was almost like by admitting to that....it lost some of it's power....it's hold on me. It freed up some energy so I could concentrate on trying to pick up some of the pieces.
So, that is what I am doing now...and while I know I am still very depressed....and I able to function...which I was not before. Good news....right? :o) I think so! I still should probably go see someone...I think that would be good. I should probably set that up next week.
In other news. I have been walking like crazy training for my MS walk, and I think this has helped me tremendously with my depression as well. I am proud of myself on how well I am doing and how well my legs have done. On Friday I went on a 10 mile walk and felt fine afterwards right now I am getting ready to go on a 16 mile walk...and hopefully will feel the same afterwards. *fingers Crossed* To be perfectly honestly, I was worried about whether or not I would be able to complete the walk. Now, I actually have hope and confidence that I will be about to complete it. It's on August 21st - 23rd....so I still have plenty of time to train for it.
Oh, if you want to contribute to my MS walk (thank you so much BTW!!!) You can click on the below link and it will take you to my donation page. http://www.active.com/donate/2009wwmsw/JShimp2
A cool thing about walking...is that it is helping me to fall in love with this town/state I live in. I have recently discovered a green way that runs right through our town and it rus right along the river....at points it s breathtaking and a great place to meditation and just breathe (which I haven't been able to do in quite some time). The other cool thing is that there is art all along this trail....so not only do I have to snow peaked mountains, wild birds and beautiful river to look at during my walk...I get to appreciate the art as well. It is really quite a lovely place to spend time. I will have to take picture to show all of you...although I don't know if my photography skills will do it justice. ;o)
The other thing the walk is doing...is helping me to shed these pounds I have put on during my depression....which were contributing to my depression. I was feeling like I was never going to be able to lose weight and was going to go back to my pre-surgery weight. I have put on 30 pounds since my lowest weight :o( (I know....) but, honestly I really only want to lose 20...because my lowest weight was a little too low for me. I think I look better with a few curves. ;o) Anyway, 20 pounds...I can lose that. No problem. That's not really that much weight. It's not like the 160 I have already lost. I just need to eat right and exercise...which I am doing now.
I actually found an online calorie tracker called MyPlate that seems pretty good. The only gripe I have about it is that there is no diary...so I can't write about how I was feeling when I eat something....to better identify emotional eating.
Okay, time to go for my walk.....and then I am going to one of my bosses house for a BBQ. Fun stuff!!! :o)
Have agreat day everyone!!
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Depression...uh.....sucks!
Yep, I can safely say that depression sucks big ugly hairy monkey balls. I think I have been depressed since probably mid-May....and honestly I haven't been able to see an end in sight. I have been trying all of my usual techniques to lift my mood...but have not been successful. I don't know what to do. I really, really don't want to get put on any medication...I don't feel like I'm quite at that point yet...but I am close...very close. I know there is nothing wrong with asking for a little bit of help. R did...and is doing wonderfully because of it. It's actually kinda funny (not really funny haha...just ironic) that as soon as he started feeling better emotionally....I started getting worse. I wonder if one of us has to be depressed in or for our relationship to work. I'm being ridiculous of course, but something to ponder.
I know exactly what my depression is all about. It's my dad. E coming to visit at the exact same time my dad was here last year (and the last time I saw him) I think threw me over the emotional edge. It was so odd to get ready for someone to come visit the same time I was getting ready for him to come visit...I was feeling all of the same feelings which forced everything that I had been pushing and saving to deal with at another time...forcing me to acknowledge and deal with right away. It honestly, was more than I could bare. So, I shut down....shut off. Became completely numb. Those of you who are my journal buddies and are used to seeing me have probably noticed this.
Then......right in the middle of dealing with that...I got to deal with the anniversary of his death (which was last week) and in the middle of deal with that I got to deal with fathers day. Oh, and then....when honestly I was at my breaking point...and really could not handle any more. I had a visit from my friends dad who is seriously my dad's twin in every way. It pushed me even further into this deep dark hole I am in right now.
I guess the good part is that I realize I am in this dark place and have a desire to get out. I always thought that was the hardest part. Once I realized I was here....I could just pick myself up...dust myself off and get myself out. Uh, not so fast.
What seems to be my current pattern, is that I get myself up, dust myself off and immediately fall back down. My legs don't seem to want to work.
Maybe my mind is trying to tell me something? *shrug* Maybe I should just be depressed for a while and just relax? Sure, but living life while you are depressed, moving forward in life while you are depressed is so much harder when you feel the way I do. So, honestly, that is really not an option. Pretending everything is okay and I feel great....really isn't working for me either...because all I really wanna do is cry even more when I try to put on an act. I can't do that any more either....it's just too exhausting.
So, I am back to square 1. How do I find my happiness...my normalcy...me. How can I find me...because this person I am right now...is not me. Not even close.
I think what is making this even more depressing (ha!) is that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel...I can see my way out...I know it's simpler than I think it is. I just can't seem to figure out what it is that will get me out. Which honestly, is making it worse.
The only thing I haven't done...is write about it. Which is why I am here. Writing. Hoping to get rid of some of this weight. Let's hope this works. :o)
I know exactly what my depression is all about. It's my dad. E coming to visit at the exact same time my dad was here last year (and the last time I saw him) I think threw me over the emotional edge. It was so odd to get ready for someone to come visit the same time I was getting ready for him to come visit...I was feeling all of the same feelings which forced everything that I had been pushing and saving to deal with at another time...forcing me to acknowledge and deal with right away. It honestly, was more than I could bare. So, I shut down....shut off. Became completely numb. Those of you who are my journal buddies and are used to seeing me have probably noticed this.
Then......right in the middle of dealing with that...I got to deal with the anniversary of his death (which was last week) and in the middle of deal with that I got to deal with fathers day. Oh, and then....when honestly I was at my breaking point...and really could not handle any more. I had a visit from my friends dad who is seriously my dad's twin in every way. It pushed me even further into this deep dark hole I am in right now.
I guess the good part is that I realize I am in this dark place and have a desire to get out. I always thought that was the hardest part. Once I realized I was here....I could just pick myself up...dust myself off and get myself out. Uh, not so fast.
What seems to be my current pattern, is that I get myself up, dust myself off and immediately fall back down. My legs don't seem to want to work.
Maybe my mind is trying to tell me something? *shrug* Maybe I should just be depressed for a while and just relax? Sure, but living life while you are depressed, moving forward in life while you are depressed is so much harder when you feel the way I do. So, honestly, that is really not an option. Pretending everything is okay and I feel great....really isn't working for me either...because all I really wanna do is cry even more when I try to put on an act. I can't do that any more either....it's just too exhausting.
So, I am back to square 1. How do I find my happiness...my normalcy...me. How can I find me...because this person I am right now...is not me. Not even close.
I think what is making this even more depressing (ha!) is that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel...I can see my way out...I know it's simpler than I think it is. I just can't seem to figure out what it is that will get me out. Which honestly, is making it worse.
The only thing I haven't done...is write about it. Which is why I am here. Writing. Hoping to get rid of some of this weight. Let's hope this works. :o)
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Pretty pictures of our flowers :o)
Okay, and now pictures. 
Here are some pictures of the flowers I bought today.
This first one is a close up of the fuchsia I got, I hung it in the middle of the sitting area and it looks like a chandelier. Kinda cool...now hopefully I won't kill it.
And all of the flowers together.
And a close up of the petunia's
Here are some pictures of the flowers I bought today.
This first one is a close up of the fuchsia I got, I hung it in the middle of the sitting area and it looks like a chandelier. Kinda cool...now hopefully I won't kill it.
And all of the flowers together.
And a close up of the petunia's
Saturday, May 23, 2009
A Not So Fun Visit with the Doctor
Hi guys!! K, time to complain again. :o) But, the good news is...I am feeling better. So happier posts are to come...I think I just need to work through this.
So, I have been looking forward for a month to a visit with the OBGYN. I was going to talk to her about my weight loss, PCOS and fertility. But most importantly, I was hoping I could get some guidance regarding starting a family. I was hoping for great results from blood test and well....to be honest, a green light for starting a family.
This visit was supposed to be the catalyst to more happy doctor visits. I was hoping to see a birth intuitive after seeing this doctor and bringing her all of the lovely blood work she would take and get a plan of action together for the start of our family.
I'm so disappointed to say, this did not happen. To be honest I'm still quite a bit shocked from the appointment.
But, I should start from the beginning.
So, I have been looking forward to this appointment all week....okay fine...all month. I woke up Friday morning almost happy. Which, I have to admit is a big improvement over my melancholy mood lately. The day dragged....but finally it was time for me to go. I walked into the office and felt the slight ting of pain as I looked around and saw the typical "happy family" decorating that is typical of a OBGYN office. You would think I would be used to this and that it shouldn't hurt...but it always does.
Finally, the nurse called my name and I went back. She talked to me for a while about why I was there and I have to admit I was a bit scattered in my response. I was nervous...hopefully she could tell that. She gave me a gown and told me the doctor would be in shortly. So I got nekked put on the ill fitted gown and waited.....and waited.....and waited. Staring at some advertisement for a pre-natal vitamin and looking a dozens of happy birth pictures. Oh, and waited some more. Just when I was at the end of my rope and was going to get up, change back into my clothes and tell them thanks but no thanks....the doctor walked in.
She sat down and asked me to tell her my story. So I did, I told her I'd lost 160 pounds (hmm, that doesn't sounds safe). I told her my cycles were more regular than before, but lately have spaced to 45 days apart (then you're definitely not ovulating). I told her my husband have been through fertility treatment before, but unfortunately it wasn't successful (well, you are 37, so it's likely to be less successful now given your age). I told her I had PCOS before when I was heavier, but the symptoms seem to have gone away since I've lost weight (well, PCOS never goes away, you have it, you will gain the weight back and PCOS will make it more difficult to lose it again).
Ugg, I felt like there were a thousand daggers being thrown at me. It was honestly the worst medical experience I've ever had....and I've had some doozies in my day. To be honest, I thought going to the box doc as a healthy person, who exercises 5 times a week, is not morbidly obese, and is having regular periods would actually have a pleasant visit with the doctor. Not the case. She said she couldn't help me, that Robb and I needed More help than she could give and that we should see a reproductive endocrinologist ASAP if we had any hopes of having a child since I was 37...she kept saying my age over and over again....like I didn't know it or something. Ugggg.
I asked her if we could do some blood work, measure my hormones to see how bad things were...so we could measure the PCOS...and she said that it wouldn't do any good. She already knew my PCOS was out of control (how she knew this I have no idea) and that the blood work would show her nothing she didn't already know.
Double ugg.......
So all night last night and this morning I felt like this shell.....this empty hollow...barren shell. It's like my worst enemy told her about all of my sensitive spots and she went right for them...not missing a single one. If I listened to her...I might as well give up on everything...go back to being completely miserable...because...that is my destiny.
It can't be. I mean...okay fine. She's probably right about some of it...but a lot of it I do have control over. I can overcome it. I HAVE overcome it before.
So, after Robb spending many hours trying to undo what she has done.....I think he has finally succeeded. I'm feeling better about things. My life is not over because of one doctor's opinion...and to be honest she never looked at one ounce of physical evidence to back HER opinions. She has no previous records or blood test to look at....so what does she know. All she knows is what I told her and her own experiences and prejudices. She doesn't know that I am stronger than all of that and if I want to have a child....I will do everything I can to have a child.
I did look at adoption again today. K, so she got to me a bit. I do have to prepare myself in case she is right. It doesn't hurt to be prepared for plan B. Honestly, given all of our health issues, perhaps adoption would be the smartest way to go.
Who knows...all I know is I feel numb....completely numb after yesterday.....I don't know if I can take much more of this. I feel like I already feel raw and beat down because of all of the dad stuff going on right and...and this appointment on top of that almost pushed me over the edge. Almost.
So today, I went to the flower nursery and bought some beautiful flowers for our front yard and spent the day planting flowers and making it look absolutely beautiful. I think that's exactly what I needed. It looks so pretty....and it makes me happy. I really needed to feel happy today. It feels nice. :o)
So, I have been looking forward for a month to a visit with the OBGYN. I was going to talk to her about my weight loss, PCOS and fertility. But most importantly, I was hoping I could get some guidance regarding starting a family. I was hoping for great results from blood test and well....to be honest, a green light for starting a family.
This visit was supposed to be the catalyst to more happy doctor visits. I was hoping to see a birth intuitive after seeing this doctor and bringing her all of the lovely blood work she would take and get a plan of action together for the start of our family.
I'm so disappointed to say, this did not happen. To be honest I'm still quite a bit shocked from the appointment.
But, I should start from the beginning.
So, I have been looking forward to this appointment all week....okay fine...all month. I woke up Friday morning almost happy. Which, I have to admit is a big improvement over my melancholy mood lately. The day dragged....but finally it was time for me to go. I walked into the office and felt the slight ting of pain as I looked around and saw the typical "happy family" decorating that is typical of a OBGYN office. You would think I would be used to this and that it shouldn't hurt...but it always does.
Finally, the nurse called my name and I went back. She talked to me for a while about why I was there and I have to admit I was a bit scattered in my response. I was nervous...hopefully she could tell that. She gave me a gown and told me the doctor would be in shortly. So I got nekked put on the ill fitted gown and waited.....and waited.....and waited. Staring at some advertisement for a pre-natal vitamin and looking a dozens of happy birth pictures. Oh, and waited some more. Just when I was at the end of my rope and was going to get up, change back into my clothes and tell them thanks but no thanks....the doctor walked in.
She sat down and asked me to tell her my story. So I did, I told her I'd lost 160 pounds (hmm, that doesn't sounds safe). I told her my cycles were more regular than before, but lately have spaced to 45 days apart (then you're definitely not ovulating). I told her my husband have been through fertility treatment before, but unfortunately it wasn't successful (well, you are 37, so it's likely to be less successful now given your age). I told her I had PCOS before when I was heavier, but the symptoms seem to have gone away since I've lost weight (well, PCOS never goes away, you have it, you will gain the weight back and PCOS will make it more difficult to lose it again).
Ugg, I felt like there were a thousand daggers being thrown at me. It was honestly the worst medical experience I've ever had....and I've had some doozies in my day. To be honest, I thought going to the box doc as a healthy person, who exercises 5 times a week, is not morbidly obese, and is having regular periods would actually have a pleasant visit with the doctor. Not the case. She said she couldn't help me, that Robb and I needed More help than she could give and that we should see a reproductive endocrinologist ASAP if we had any hopes of having a child since I was 37...she kept saying my age over and over again....like I didn't know it or something. Ugggg.
I asked her if we could do some blood work, measure my hormones to see how bad things were...so we could measure the PCOS...and she said that it wouldn't do any good. She already knew my PCOS was out of control (how she knew this I have no idea) and that the blood work would show her nothing she didn't already know.
Double ugg.......
So all night last night and this morning I felt like this shell.....this empty hollow...barren shell. It's like my worst enemy told her about all of my sensitive spots and she went right for them...not missing a single one. If I listened to her...I might as well give up on everything...go back to being completely miserable...because...that is my destiny.
It can't be. I mean...okay fine. She's probably right about some of it...but a lot of it I do have control over. I can overcome it. I HAVE overcome it before.
So, after Robb spending many hours trying to undo what she has done.....I think he has finally succeeded. I'm feeling better about things. My life is not over because of one doctor's opinion...and to be honest she never looked at one ounce of physical evidence to back HER opinions. She has no previous records or blood test to look at....so what does she know. All she knows is what I told her and her own experiences and prejudices. She doesn't know that I am stronger than all of that and if I want to have a child....I will do everything I can to have a child.
I did look at adoption again today. K, so she got to me a bit. I do have to prepare myself in case she is right. It doesn't hurt to be prepared for plan B. Honestly, given all of our health issues, perhaps adoption would be the smartest way to go.
Who knows...all I know is I feel numb....completely numb after yesterday.....I don't know if I can take much more of this. I feel like I already feel raw and beat down because of all of the dad stuff going on right and...and this appointment on top of that almost pushed me over the edge. Almost.
So today, I went to the flower nursery and bought some beautiful flowers for our front yard and spent the day planting flowers and making it look absolutely beautiful. I think that's exactly what I needed. It looks so pretty....and it makes me happy. I really needed to feel happy today. It feels nice. :o)
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
In a funk and not sure why? *shrug*
Well, for the last week I have been in a kinda funk. Not sure why...I just haven't felt much like myself. I thought it was because I was PMS'ing...but that has come and gone. But, the feeling has remained. I went to acupuncture this and talked to laurel about it. She thinks it has to do with my dad. I think she might be right. To be honest, I think I might just need a good cry. I watched Grey's Anatomy this week and thought fore sure that would do it...but no. No ugly face cry. or at least not the release I was looking for. ;O) Laurel suggested I write about how I'm feeling and maybe that will help get me over this funk. I think that is a wonderful idea, so I apologize to anyone reading this if it's depressing. ;o)
As some of you know the year anniversary of my dad's death is coming up. In fact, a year ago next week I was getting ready for his visit to Colorado...and I didn't know it then, but it would be the last time I would talk to him. Of course there are regrets, I wish I spent more time with him, just sitting and talking him. Really spending quality time with him...and less time trying to show him everything I loved about colorado....and honestly showing off to him. Letting him know I was okay here in this beautiful state. Because honestly, I don't think he had the energy for everything I wanted him to do and I think he would have been happier just sitting on the couch with me.
mourning is so weird. I say it's like listening to a really good record (hopefully most of you will be old enough to understand this analogy). You're minding your own business listening to a recording your favorite song. The song is good and you hardly even notice the pleasing melody in the back ground when all of a sudden there's a scratch on the record and the sound becomes very unpleasant. Painful almost. You try and wish with everything you have to make to scratched part pass....but you just have to wait it out...wait for it to pass and the favorite melody to continue. That is what mourning has been to me. Most of the time I'm fine...go about my life as usually...but every once in a while....ug...I feel that pain...that sorrow...that intense unpleasantness and wish at that moment that I could be numb.....but then I realize that the pain I feel is a part of my dad that is still with me. So like it or not, this is what I have. I think it might be good that I am feeling this....it's helpig me get to the good feelings faster. I look forward to the time when I will have more pleasant memories and less painful sad ones.
So this way that I am feeling...I think it might be the well of emotions that are trying to come up. I think it might be my subconcious already starting to deal with what I am going to be feeling for the next couple of weeks. This time last year was such an emotional one for me. I was feeling such excitment and happiness last year about my dad seeing Colorado and my house for the first time...and then the very next week after leaving he went into a coma and I never got to speak to him ever again. I did go see him...but he was gone. The doctors told us that. He was there....but he wasn't....not really. The machines were there for him....for us really.
I did feel guilt....do feel guilt. That maybe his trip to Colorado was too much for his weak body and that is what killed him. Silly, I know. But I did/do feel guilty for wanting him to come see me so badly and being so excited that he came to see me. Was I selfis for wanting him here....should I have tried to talk him out of it? If I did, would he still be alive?
On the other hand, part of me wonders if he knew....somewhere in the back of his mind if he knew he wasn't going to be with us much longer. We did have a talk when he was here....and he told me he was tired. He was ready and that he felt he did everything he needed to do and was ready to leave us. I of course tried to be a cheerleader and tell him he had so much more to do and that wanting to be done was silly. Part of me wonders if he really knew that the trip would probably be too much for him, but did it anyway......just so he could do it.
I don't know....I'll never know I guess. I just hope that he would have had a stroke and heart attack even if he stayed in California and not come to see me.
As some of you know the year anniversary of my dad's death is coming up. In fact, a year ago next week I was getting ready for his visit to Colorado...and I didn't know it then, but it would be the last time I would talk to him. Of course there are regrets, I wish I spent more time with him, just sitting and talking him. Really spending quality time with him...and less time trying to show him everything I loved about colorado....and honestly showing off to him. Letting him know I was okay here in this beautiful state. Because honestly, I don't think he had the energy for everything I wanted him to do and I think he would have been happier just sitting on the couch with me.
mourning is so weird. I say it's like listening to a really good record (hopefully most of you will be old enough to understand this analogy). You're minding your own business listening to a recording your favorite song. The song is good and you hardly even notice the pleasing melody in the back ground when all of a sudden there's a scratch on the record and the sound becomes very unpleasant. Painful almost. You try and wish with everything you have to make to scratched part pass....but you just have to wait it out...wait for it to pass and the favorite melody to continue. That is what mourning has been to me. Most of the time I'm fine...go about my life as usually...but every once in a while....ug...I feel that pain...that sorrow...that intense unpleasantness and wish at that moment that I could be numb.....but then I realize that the pain I feel is a part of my dad that is still with me. So like it or not, this is what I have. I think it might be good that I am feeling this....it's helpig me get to the good feelings faster. I look forward to the time when I will have more pleasant memories and less painful sad ones.
So this way that I am feeling...I think it might be the well of emotions that are trying to come up. I think it might be my subconcious already starting to deal with what I am going to be feeling for the next couple of weeks. This time last year was such an emotional one for me. I was feeling such excitment and happiness last year about my dad seeing Colorado and my house for the first time...and then the very next week after leaving he went into a coma and I never got to speak to him ever again. I did go see him...but he was gone. The doctors told us that. He was there....but he wasn't....not really. The machines were there for him....for us really.
I did feel guilt....do feel guilt. That maybe his trip to Colorado was too much for his weak body and that is what killed him. Silly, I know. But I did/do feel guilty for wanting him to come see me so badly and being so excited that he came to see me. Was I selfis for wanting him here....should I have tried to talk him out of it? If I did, would he still be alive?
On the other hand, part of me wonders if he knew....somewhere in the back of his mind if he knew he wasn't going to be with us much longer. We did have a talk when he was here....and he told me he was tired. He was ready and that he felt he did everything he needed to do and was ready to leave us. I of course tried to be a cheerleader and tell him he had so much more to do and that wanting to be done was silly. Part of me wonders if he really knew that the trip would probably be too much for him, but did it anyway......just so he could do it.
I don't know....I'll never know I guess. I just hope that he would have had a stroke and heart attack even if he stayed in California and not come to see me.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
I'm baaaaaaack!
Ha! Funny that this is probably the third blog post with that same tittle. I have decided that I really need to start writing in my blog more regularly. So, maybe I'll actually get some company in regular readers. ;o)
I guess the biggest news is that I signed up for the MS 3 day walk. It happens in August and is 20 miles a day on Friday and Saturday and 10 miles on Sunday. I have ALWAYS wanted to challenge myself by doing a 3 day...and well since I have Multiple Sclerosis I guess this cause would be the closest to my heart. Lately, I've been thinking more about my mortality....or the possibility of a later life of disability. So, I decided that if I want to do something...I should do it now. Because honestly, my body may not allow me to do it later in life. Carpe Diem....no? ;O)
I actually told my neuroligist about my new exercise plan and she seemed concerned which kinda bugged me. I guess, since I have been overweight all my life anytime I went to the doctor they would always encourage, almost beg me to start excercising...and now that I am doing it a lot....my doctor is encouraging me to not do it. She actually just wanted to make sure that I wasn't getting too overheated (which can exasserbate my MS). I do understand that....and try not to push myself too hard. But, it's hard becuase I love thinking of myself as an "athlete" as a former fat girl...it's nothing I have ever been able to realistically call myself. So, I am pacing myself...but will still exercise.
Yesterday my friend Karen and I went and had a lovely pedicure and then went to a yummy place for brunch. We went to this place on Pearl street in Boulder called TenTwenty It was this great spa in which you get to sit in huge overstuffed over pillowed chairs and then are given choice of drink and M&M's plain or peanut. yum! (Have I mentioned that I love M&M's) and Sex and the City was playing on the HUGE screen in front of the chairs. It was quite indungent...but of so lovely. Then we walked further down Pearl St. to a very yummy completely organic resturant called Sunflower
I had a smoked salmon benedict on fresh baked corn bread (instead of the traditional english muffin) and it was oh, so yummy!! I'm glad we walked a mile to get there...because I really needed to walk off that comfort. ;o)
After that completely indulgent morning I came home and spent the afternoon with Robb, doing chores around the house. Then, we went to a friends birthday party at the Colorado Speedway. yep, you read that right....Colorado speedway. Crazy, I know. It was actually lots of fun. We really aren't NASCAR fans or even watch races....but it was such a fun place to people watch and honestly get loud and obnoxious for an evening. There is a lot about racing I don't really understand.....because they kept doing things I didn't get. But, it was a fun evening.
We rode the motorcyle there. We were so thrilled to find out that they had very special motorcycle parking up front. So, we felt like stars getting to park right up front. Well, when we left the races it was probably 50 degrees outside...so the ride home was um.....I can't sugar coat it....freakin freezing!!! It took me at least two hours to thaw out after that ride. But, it was so much fun and so worth it!!
It was our first ride of the season, because for the last 7, yes 7 weekends it has been rainy and cold. So, too cold to ride a bike. But, yesterday it was a lovely 70 degrees and just perfect. So, we had to get the bike out!! It was wonderful and felt to great to ride. I love the feeling of freedome I get from riding. Plus, since I ride behind Robb...I get to just take in the miles of farms, mountains and see so much more than the dozens o people we pass on the road. Since I have been riding the bike...I have started to realize how much we miss every day. It's amazing how much more you see on that back of that bike. And honestly, some of it is so amazing and I feel so lucky to be allowed and able to see it. :o)
Okay, I'm late for another birthday lunch. I'll write more later. :o)
Happy Sunday!!
I guess the biggest news is that I signed up for the MS 3 day walk. It happens in August and is 20 miles a day on Friday and Saturday and 10 miles on Sunday. I have ALWAYS wanted to challenge myself by doing a 3 day...and well since I have Multiple Sclerosis I guess this cause would be the closest to my heart. Lately, I've been thinking more about my mortality....or the possibility of a later life of disability. So, I decided that if I want to do something...I should do it now. Because honestly, my body may not allow me to do it later in life. Carpe Diem....no? ;O)
I actually told my neuroligist about my new exercise plan and she seemed concerned which kinda bugged me. I guess, since I have been overweight all my life anytime I went to the doctor they would always encourage, almost beg me to start excercising...and now that I am doing it a lot....my doctor is encouraging me to not do it. She actually just wanted to make sure that I wasn't getting too overheated (which can exasserbate my MS). I do understand that....and try not to push myself too hard. But, it's hard becuase I love thinking of myself as an "athlete" as a former fat girl...it's nothing I have ever been able to realistically call myself. So, I am pacing myself...but will still exercise.
Yesterday my friend Karen and I went and had a lovely pedicure and then went to a yummy place for brunch. We went to this place on Pearl street in Boulder called TenTwenty It was this great spa in which you get to sit in huge overstuffed over pillowed chairs and then are given choice of drink and M&M's plain or peanut. yum! (Have I mentioned that I love M&M's) and Sex and the City was playing on the HUGE screen in front of the chairs. It was quite indungent...but of so lovely. Then we walked further down Pearl St. to a very yummy completely organic resturant called Sunflower
I had a smoked salmon benedict on fresh baked corn bread (instead of the traditional english muffin) and it was oh, so yummy!! I'm glad we walked a mile to get there...because I really needed to walk off that comfort. ;o)
After that completely indulgent morning I came home and spent the afternoon with Robb, doing chores around the house. Then, we went to a friends birthday party at the Colorado Speedway. yep, you read that right....Colorado speedway. Crazy, I know. It was actually lots of fun. We really aren't NASCAR fans or even watch races....but it was such a fun place to people watch and honestly get loud and obnoxious for an evening. There is a lot about racing I don't really understand.....because they kept doing things I didn't get. But, it was a fun evening.
We rode the motorcyle there. We were so thrilled to find out that they had very special motorcycle parking up front. So, we felt like stars getting to park right up front. Well, when we left the races it was probably 50 degrees outside...so the ride home was um.....I can't sugar coat it....freakin freezing!!! It took me at least two hours to thaw out after that ride. But, it was so much fun and so worth it!!
It was our first ride of the season, because for the last 7, yes 7 weekends it has been rainy and cold. So, too cold to ride a bike. But, yesterday it was a lovely 70 degrees and just perfect. So, we had to get the bike out!! It was wonderful and felt to great to ride. I love the feeling of freedome I get from riding. Plus, since I ride behind Robb...I get to just take in the miles of farms, mountains and see so much more than the dozens o people we pass on the road. Since I have been riding the bike...I have started to realize how much we miss every day. It's amazing how much more you see on that back of that bike. And honestly, some of it is so amazing and I feel so lucky to be allowed and able to see it. :o)
Okay, I'm late for another birthday lunch. I'll write more later. :o)
Happy Sunday!!
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