Seriously.....not much. Just living life.
But, I am here...tonight....to talk about my dad.
That's a picture of him the last day I saw him. he passed away last June...and well...I thought I was doing okay with it...but something happened yesterday that forced me to realize that I'm not. Err...well that's not completely true. Really...I guess I need to get some things out...and what better place than here, right?
So, what happened yesterday you ask? Well, a co-worker was talking to some other co-workers and I walked up. He saw me and said, "Hey! We were just talking about your dad" I don't know why.....but it felt like a bullet hit me in the chest. I actually felt physical pain. I don't know why....but I felt how dare he...he had no right to talk about my dad....doesn't he know that he just died and I am still in a lot of pain about it?!?
But, honestly...logically thinking....he didn't know. He didn't even realize what he had just said and how deeply he hurt me. But gosh....it really did urt. I didn't even realize there was that pain still in there...but it was. Wow...for the next couple of hours I was still shaking. Still...just in a haze.
But.....here's the silver lining. I have felt better today than I have in a while...it was like a ton (literally) of sorrow was released and I am able to deal things.
So that's good, right?
The other good thing is...I think I still have lots of healing to do. So, I figured it would be good to write about the things on my mind...in hopes this healing process will be less diestructive.
My biggest fear?
Putting on all of the weight I have worked so hard to take off. Yep. I have put 10 pounds on since his death and honestly I have very irresponsible about my weight. I know what this is....and you probably do too. I am using food to numb the pain. I can't do that.
Someone told me tonight...that there are pathways in the brain that are used during stressful situations. Just like any pathway, the more you use them....the stronger and deeper they get. Well, all my life...I have used food as a numbing agent. Honestly, that has been my only weapon and tool during scary, stressful situations. Food honestly....has always been my emotional savior. So, I know that's what I'm doing now. It makes sense. Thing is....I don't want to end up the way I ended up before. I have to break that pathway.....to put a block in front of it...so it no longer works for me.
The other good thing she told me...is that the best time to create new pathways is during times of deep stress and turmoil. Granted...this is probably the hardest time to change....the fact that it's the best time...is comforting in of itself to me.
So what would I choose as my own coping mechanism you ask? I would love to be able to exercise. Nothing crazy...but whenever I want to reach for food to numb things...I'd like to reach for my tennis shoes instead.
Ahhh....the power of tennies!
