In a funk and not sure why? *shrug*

Well, for the last week I have been in a kinda funk. Not sure why...I just haven't felt much like myself. I thought it was because I was PMS'ing...but that has come and gone. But, the feeling has remained. I went to acupuncture this and talked to laurel about it. She thinks it has to do with my dad. I think she might be right. To be honest, I think I might just need a good cry. I watched Grey's Anatomy this week and thought fore sure that would do it...but no. No ugly face cry. or at least not the release I was looking for. ;O) Laurel suggested I write about how I'm feeling and maybe that will help get me over this funk. I think that is a wonderful idea, so I apologize to anyone reading this if it's depressing. ;o)

As some of you know the year anniversary of my dad's death is coming up. In fact, a year ago next week I was getting ready for his visit to Colorado...and I didn't know it then, but it would be the last time I would talk to him. Of course there are regrets, I wish I spent more time with him, just sitting and talking him. Really spending quality time with him...and less time trying to show him everything I loved about colorado....and honestly showing off to him. Letting him know I was okay here in this beautiful state. Because honestly, I don't think he had the energy for everything I wanted him to do and I think he would have been happier just sitting on the couch with me.

mourning is so weird. I say it's like listening to a really good record (hopefully most of you will be old enough to understand this analogy). You're minding your own business listening to a recording your favorite song. The song is good and you hardly even notice the pleasing melody in the back ground when all of a sudden there's a scratch on the record and the sound becomes very unpleasant. Painful almost. You try and wish with everything you have to make to scratched part pass....but you just have to wait it out...wait for it to pass and the favorite melody to continue. That is what mourning has been to me. Most of the time I'm fine...go about my life as usually...but every once in a while....ug...I feel that pain...that sorrow...that intense unpleasantness and wish at that moment that I could be numb.....but then I realize that the pain I feel is a part of my dad that is still with me. So like it or not, this is what I have. I think it might be good that I am feeling this....it's helpig me get to the good feelings faster. I look forward to the time when I will have more pleasant memories and less painful sad ones.

So this way that I am feeling...I think it might be the well of emotions that are trying to come up. I think it might be my subconcious already starting to deal with what I am going to be feeling for the next couple of weeks. This time last year was such an emotional one for me. I was feeling such excitment and happiness last year about my dad seeing Colorado and my house for the first time...and then the very next week after leaving he went into a coma and I never got to speak to him ever again. I did go see him...but he was gone. The doctors told us that. He was there....but he wasn't....not really. The machines were there for him....for us really.

I did feel guilt....do feel guilt. That maybe his trip to Colorado was too much for his weak body and that is what killed him. Silly, I know. But I did/do feel guilty for wanting him to come see me so badly and being so excited that he came to see me. Was I selfis for wanting him here....should I have tried to talk him out of it? If I did, would he still be alive?

On the other hand, part of me wonders if he knew....somewhere in the back of his mind if he knew he wasn't going to be with us much longer. We did have a talk when he was here....and he told me he was tired. He was ready and that he felt he did everything he needed to do and was ready to leave us. I of course tried to be a cheerleader and tell him he had so much more to do and that wanting to be done was silly. Part of me wonders if he really knew that the trip would probably be too much for him, but did it anyway......just so he could do it.

I don't know....I'll never know I guess. I just hope that he would have had a stroke and heart attack even if he stayed in California and not come to see me.