Yep, I can safely say that depression sucks big ugly hairy monkey balls. I think I have been depressed since probably mid-May....and honestly I haven't been able to see an end in sight. I have been trying all of my usual techniques to lift my mood...but have not been successful. I don't know what to do. I really, really don't want to get put on any medication...I don't feel like I'm quite at that point yet...but I am close...very close. I know there is nothing wrong with asking for a little bit of help. R did...and is doing wonderfully because of it. It's actually kinda funny (not really funny haha...just ironic) that as soon as he started feeling better emotionally....I started getting worse. I wonder if one of us has to be depressed in or for our relationship to work. I'm being ridiculous of course, but something to ponder.
I know exactly what my depression is all about. It's my dad. E coming to visit at the exact same time my dad was here last year (and the last time I saw him) I think threw me over the emotional edge. It was so odd to get ready for someone to come visit the same time I was getting ready for him to come visit...I was feeling all of the same feelings which forced everything that I had been pushing and saving to deal with at another time...forcing me to acknowledge and deal with right away. It honestly, was more than I could bare. So, I shut down....shut off. Became completely numb. Those of you who are my journal buddies and are used to seeing me have probably noticed this.
Then......right in the middle of dealing with that...I got to deal with the anniversary of his death (which was last week) and in the middle of deal with that I got to deal with fathers day. Oh, and then....when honestly I was at my breaking point...and really could not handle any more. I had a visit from my friends dad who is seriously my dad's twin in every way. It pushed me even further into this deep dark hole I am in right now.
I guess the good part is that I realize I am in this dark place and have a desire to get out. I always thought that was the hardest part. Once I realized I was here....I could just pick myself up...dust myself off and get myself out. Uh, not so fast.
What seems to be my current pattern, is that I get myself up, dust myself off and immediately fall back down. My legs don't seem to want to work.
Maybe my mind is trying to tell me something? *shrug* Maybe I should just be depressed for a while and just relax? Sure, but living life while you are depressed, moving forward in life while you are depressed is so much harder when you feel the way I do. So, honestly, that is really not an option. Pretending everything is okay and I feel great....really isn't working for me either...because all I really wanna do is cry even more when I try to put on an act. I can't do that any more either....it's just too exhausting.
So, I am back to square 1. How do I find my happiness...my normalcy...me. How can I find me...because this person I am right now...is not me. Not even close.
I think what is making this even more depressing (ha!) is that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel...I can see my way out...I know it's simpler than I think it is. I just can't seem to figure out what it is that will get me out. Which honestly, is making it worse.
The only thing I haven't done...is write about it. Which is why I am here. Writing. Hoping to get rid of some of this weight. Let's hope this works. :o)
Showing posts with label dad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dad. Show all posts
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
In a funk and not sure why? *shrug*
Well, for the last week I have been in a kinda funk. Not sure why...I just haven't felt much like myself. I thought it was because I was PMS'ing...but that has come and gone. But, the feeling has remained. I went to acupuncture this and talked to laurel about it. She thinks it has to do with my dad. I think she might be right. To be honest, I think I might just need a good cry. I watched Grey's Anatomy this week and thought fore sure that would do it...but no. No ugly face cry. or at least not the release I was looking for. ;O) Laurel suggested I write about how I'm feeling and maybe that will help get me over this funk. I think that is a wonderful idea, so I apologize to anyone reading this if it's depressing. ;o)
As some of you know the year anniversary of my dad's death is coming up. In fact, a year ago next week I was getting ready for his visit to Colorado...and I didn't know it then, but it would be the last time I would talk to him. Of course there are regrets, I wish I spent more time with him, just sitting and talking him. Really spending quality time with him...and less time trying to show him everything I loved about colorado....and honestly showing off to him. Letting him know I was okay here in this beautiful state. Because honestly, I don't think he had the energy for everything I wanted him to do and I think he would have been happier just sitting on the couch with me.
mourning is so weird. I say it's like listening to a really good record (hopefully most of you will be old enough to understand this analogy). You're minding your own business listening to a recording your favorite song. The song is good and you hardly even notice the pleasing melody in the back ground when all of a sudden there's a scratch on the record and the sound becomes very unpleasant. Painful almost. You try and wish with everything you have to make to scratched part pass....but you just have to wait it out...wait for it to pass and the favorite melody to continue. That is what mourning has been to me. Most of the time I'm fine...go about my life as usually...but every once in a while....ug...I feel that pain...that sorrow...that intense unpleasantness and wish at that moment that I could be numb.....but then I realize that the pain I feel is a part of my dad that is still with me. So like it or not, this is what I have. I think it might be good that I am feeling this....it's helpig me get to the good feelings faster. I look forward to the time when I will have more pleasant memories and less painful sad ones.
So this way that I am feeling...I think it might be the well of emotions that are trying to come up. I think it might be my subconcious already starting to deal with what I am going to be feeling for the next couple of weeks. This time last year was such an emotional one for me. I was feeling such excitment and happiness last year about my dad seeing Colorado and my house for the first time...and then the very next week after leaving he went into a coma and I never got to speak to him ever again. I did go see him...but he was gone. The doctors told us that. He was there....but he wasn't....not really. The machines were there for him....for us really.
I did feel guilt....do feel guilt. That maybe his trip to Colorado was too much for his weak body and that is what killed him. Silly, I know. But I did/do feel guilty for wanting him to come see me so badly and being so excited that he came to see me. Was I selfis for wanting him here....should I have tried to talk him out of it? If I did, would he still be alive?
On the other hand, part of me wonders if he knew....somewhere in the back of his mind if he knew he wasn't going to be with us much longer. We did have a talk when he was here....and he told me he was tired. He was ready and that he felt he did everything he needed to do and was ready to leave us. I of course tried to be a cheerleader and tell him he had so much more to do and that wanting to be done was silly. Part of me wonders if he really knew that the trip would probably be too much for him, but did it anyway......just so he could do it.
I don't know....I'll never know I guess. I just hope that he would have had a stroke and heart attack even if he stayed in California and not come to see me.
As some of you know the year anniversary of my dad's death is coming up. In fact, a year ago next week I was getting ready for his visit to Colorado...and I didn't know it then, but it would be the last time I would talk to him. Of course there are regrets, I wish I spent more time with him, just sitting and talking him. Really spending quality time with him...and less time trying to show him everything I loved about colorado....and honestly showing off to him. Letting him know I was okay here in this beautiful state. Because honestly, I don't think he had the energy for everything I wanted him to do and I think he would have been happier just sitting on the couch with me.
mourning is so weird. I say it's like listening to a really good record (hopefully most of you will be old enough to understand this analogy). You're minding your own business listening to a recording your favorite song. The song is good and you hardly even notice the pleasing melody in the back ground when all of a sudden there's a scratch on the record and the sound becomes very unpleasant. Painful almost. You try and wish with everything you have to make to scratched part pass....but you just have to wait it out...wait for it to pass and the favorite melody to continue. That is what mourning has been to me. Most of the time I'm fine...go about my life as usually...but every once in a while....ug...I feel that pain...that sorrow...that intense unpleasantness and wish at that moment that I could be numb.....but then I realize that the pain I feel is a part of my dad that is still with me. So like it or not, this is what I have. I think it might be good that I am feeling this....it's helpig me get to the good feelings faster. I look forward to the time when I will have more pleasant memories and less painful sad ones.
So this way that I am feeling...I think it might be the well of emotions that are trying to come up. I think it might be my subconcious already starting to deal with what I am going to be feeling for the next couple of weeks. This time last year was such an emotional one for me. I was feeling such excitment and happiness last year about my dad seeing Colorado and my house for the first time...and then the very next week after leaving he went into a coma and I never got to speak to him ever again. I did go see him...but he was gone. The doctors told us that. He was there....but he wasn't....not really. The machines were there for him....for us really.
I did feel guilt....do feel guilt. That maybe his trip to Colorado was too much for his weak body and that is what killed him. Silly, I know. But I did/do feel guilty for wanting him to come see me so badly and being so excited that he came to see me. Was I selfis for wanting him here....should I have tried to talk him out of it? If I did, would he still be alive?
On the other hand, part of me wonders if he knew....somewhere in the back of his mind if he knew he wasn't going to be with us much longer. We did have a talk when he was here....and he told me he was tired. He was ready and that he felt he did everything he needed to do and was ready to leave us. I of course tried to be a cheerleader and tell him he had so much more to do and that wanting to be done was silly. Part of me wonders if he really knew that the trip would probably be too much for him, but did it anyway......just so he could do it.
I don't know....I'll never know I guess. I just hope that he would have had a stroke and heart attack even if he stayed in California and not come to see me.
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