A Not So Fun Visit with the Doctor

Hi guys!! K, time to complain again. :o) But, the good news is...I am feeling better. So happier posts are to come...I think I just need to work through this.

So, I have been looking forward for a month to a visit with the OBGYN. I was going to talk to her about my weight loss, PCOS and fertility. But most importantly, I was hoping I could get some guidance regarding starting a family. I was hoping for great results from blood test and well....to be honest, a green light for starting a family.

This visit was supposed to be the catalyst to more happy doctor visits. I was hoping to see a birth intuitive after seeing this doctor and bringing her all of the lovely blood work she would take and get a plan of action together for the start of our family.

I'm so disappointed to say, this did not happen. To be honest I'm still quite a bit shocked from the appointment.

But, I should start from the beginning.

So, I have been looking forward to this appointment all week....okay fine...all month. I woke up Friday morning almost happy. Which, I have to admit is a big improvement over my melancholy mood lately. The day dragged....but finally it was time for me to go. I walked into the office and felt the slight ting of pain as I looked around and saw the typical "happy family" decorating that is typical of a OBGYN office. You would think I would be used to this and that it shouldn't hurt...but it always does.

Finally, the nurse called my name and I went back. She talked to me for a while about why I was there and I have to admit I was a bit scattered in my response. I was nervous...hopefully she could tell that. She gave me a gown and told me the doctor would be in shortly. So I got nekked put on the ill fitted gown and waited.....and waited.....and waited. Staring at some advertisement for a pre-natal vitamin and looking a dozens of happy birth pictures. Oh, and waited some more. Just when I was at the end of my rope and was going to get up, change back into my clothes and tell them thanks but no thanks....the doctor walked in.

She sat down and asked me to tell her my story. So I did, I told her I'd lost 160 pounds (hmm, that doesn't sounds safe). I told her my cycles were more regular than before, but lately have spaced to 45 days apart (then you're definitely not ovulating). I told her my husband have been through fertility treatment before, but unfortunately it wasn't successful (well, you are 37, so it's likely to be less successful now given your age). I told her I had PCOS before when I was heavier, but the symptoms seem to have gone away since I've lost weight (well, PCOS never goes away, you have it, you will gain the weight back and PCOS will make it more difficult to lose it again).

Ugg, I felt like there were a thousand daggers being thrown at me. It was honestly the worst medical experience I've ever had....and I've had some doozies in my day. To be honest, I thought going to the box doc as a healthy person, who exercises 5 times a week, is not morbidly obese, and is having regular periods would actually have a pleasant visit with the doctor. Not the case. She said she couldn't help me, that Robb and I needed More help than she could give and that we should see a reproductive endocrinologist ASAP if we had any hopes of having a child since I was 37...she kept saying my age over and over again....like I didn't know it or something. Ugggg.

I asked her if we could do some blood work, measure my hormones to see how bad things were...so we could measure the PCOS...and she said that it wouldn't do any good. She already knew my PCOS was out of control (how she knew this I have no idea) and that the blood work would show her nothing she didn't already know.

Double ugg.......

So all night last night and this morning I felt like this shell.....this empty hollow...barren shell. It's like my worst enemy told her about all of my sensitive spots and she went right for them...not missing a single one. If I listened to her...I might as well give up on everything...go back to being completely miserable...because...that is my destiny.

It can't be. I mean...okay fine. She's probably right about some of it...but a lot of it I do have control over. I can overcome it. I HAVE overcome it before.

So, after Robb spending many hours trying to undo what she has done.....I think he has finally succeeded. I'm feeling better about things. My life is not over because of one doctor's opinion...and to be honest she never looked at one ounce of physical evidence to back HER opinions. She has no previous records or blood test to look at....so what does she know. All she knows is what I told her and her own experiences and prejudices. She doesn't know that I am stronger than all of that and if I want to have a child....I will do everything I can to have a child.

I did look at adoption again today. K, so she got to me a bit. I do have to prepare myself in case she is right. It doesn't hurt to be prepared for plan B. Honestly, given all of our health issues, perhaps adoption would be the smartest way to go.

Who knows...all I know is I feel numb....completely numb after yesterday.....I don't know if I can take much more of this. I feel like I already feel raw and beat down because of all of the dad stuff going on right and...and this appointment on top of that almost pushed me over the edge. Almost.

So today, I went to the flower nursery and bought some beautiful flowers for our front yard and spent the day planting flowers and making it look absolutely beautiful. I think that's exactly what I needed. It looks so pretty....and it makes me happy. I really needed to feel happy today. It feels nice. :o)