Yep, I can safely say that depression sucks big ugly hairy monkey balls. I think I have been depressed since probably mid-May....and honestly I haven't been able to see an end in sight. I have been trying all of my usual techniques to lift my mood...but have not been successful. I don't know what to do. I really, really don't want to get put on any medication...I don't feel like I'm quite at that point yet...but I am close...very close. I know there is nothing wrong with asking for a little bit of help. R did...and is doing wonderfully because of it. It's actually kinda funny (not really funny haha...just ironic) that as soon as he started feeling better emotionally....I started getting worse. I wonder if one of us has to be depressed in or for our relationship to work. I'm being ridiculous of course, but something to ponder.
I know exactly what my depression is all about. It's my dad. E coming to visit at the exact same time my dad was here last year (and the last time I saw him) I think threw me over the emotional edge. It was so odd to get ready for someone to come visit the same time I was getting ready for him to come visit...I was feeling all of the same feelings which forced everything that I had been pushing and saving to deal with at another time...forcing me to acknowledge and deal with right away. It honestly, was more than I could bare. So, I shut down....shut off. Became completely numb. Those of you who are my journal buddies and are used to seeing me have probably noticed this.
Then......right in the middle of dealing with that...I got to deal with the anniversary of his death (which was last week) and in the middle of deal with that I got to deal with fathers day. Oh, and then....when honestly I was at my breaking point...and really could not handle any more. I had a visit from my friends dad who is seriously my dad's twin in every way. It pushed me even further into this deep dark hole I am in right now.
I guess the good part is that I realize I am in this dark place and have a desire to get out. I always thought that was the hardest part. Once I realized I was here....I could just pick myself up...dust myself off and get myself out. Uh, not so fast.
What seems to be my current pattern, is that I get myself up, dust myself off and immediately fall back down. My legs don't seem to want to work.
Maybe my mind is trying to tell me something? *shrug* Maybe I should just be depressed for a while and just relax? Sure, but living life while you are depressed, moving forward in life while you are depressed is so much harder when you feel the way I do. So, honestly, that is really not an option. Pretending everything is okay and I feel great....really isn't working for me either...because all I really wanna do is cry even more when I try to put on an act. I can't do that any more either....it's just too exhausting.
So, I am back to square 1. How do I find my happiness...my normalcy...me. How can I find me...because this person I am right now...is not me. Not even close.
I think what is making this even more depressing (ha!) is that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel...I can see my way out...I know it's simpler than I think it is. I just can't seem to figure out what it is that will get me out. Which honestly, is making it worse.
The only thing I haven't done...is write about it. Which is why I am here. Writing. Hoping to get rid of some of this weight. Let's hope this works. :o)
The reason you feel like there should be a simple solution, but can't figure out what it is, is because that is part of depression: the sense that you must be doing something wrong, and all you need to do is figure it out, and everything would be okay. There is no easy solution, but you do need to see a psychiatrist. You may need meds in the short term, but it sounds like you are grieving, and situational depression responds really weel to psychotherapy. (((Joey)))
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